Because I hate Twilight
by Mai Pintian
Summary: This is what happens when you cross a stalker juice loving Edward, a Jacob who always gets shot, and a Bella in between. Violence ensues... but where did they get the malk?


**Because I hate TWILGHT, here is an epic parody!**

**Edward: …**

**Jacob: Don't do it!**

**Edward: I WANTS MAH BELLA! –attempts to glomp Bella-**

**Bella: If I say the disclaimer, will you make him leave me alone?**

**Me: YES!**

**Bella: myllamaiskooler does not own Twilight, baseball bats, the glass of malk, or parodies, THANKFULLY!**

**Me: excuse meh?**

**Edward: -pauses in midair glomp-**

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline, if you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly…" Edward grinned at the phone and pressed one over and over again."Edward, h-how did y-you g-get my p-p-phone?" Bella asked uneasily. Edward's grin, if it is even possible, got even wider ", Hours of Blackmail Bells, you'll never understand." Bella's eye twitched every time the vampire pressed the button that had "1" written in a green color."S-stop it! Y-you're going to-" Bella paused when the phone shattered into a million pieces "break it…" The two stared at the pieces as an awkward silence enveloped them."Oh well! Let's go get some juice!" Edward grinned as he picked up a frozen Bella. "LET ME GO! WHY CAN'T YOU BE LIKE NORMAL VAMPIRES?" Bella screamed as they went at 50 miles per hour on a… golf cart? "I'm a special person," Edward laughed, it was one of those laughs when you discover 2+2 is indeed 4, not 22. "First off, this is not possible for a golf cart. Second, WHERE ARE WE GOING?" Bella screamed as she was hit in the face with a branch. "To my evil lair known as my home! BUAHAHAHAHA!" Edward laughed manically as Bella face palmed. 'Eating sugar again' Bella thought to herself as they approached a huge house.

"I'M HOME!" Edward shouted randomly as soon as he walked through the door, Bella in tow. "It's about time, here, I bet you are thirsty!" Alice ran up to Edward while holding a juice box. Edward smiled and used his fang to poke a hole in the box and squirted all the juice into his mouth."There was a straw you know…" Bella trailed off, clearly disgusted by Edward's juice drinking habits."Now Bella, where shall we go today?" Edward grinned evilly. "Not with you!" a voice said from the door. Suddenly, a very tired Jacob walked through the door. "DOG! AAAH!" Carlisle screamed and held a gun in the direction Jacob was standing."Yeah, everybody shoot the dog" Jacob rolled his eyes."Oh it's YOU" Bella glared "shouldn't you be running to Canada or something?" Jacob grinned and held up a piece of bacon "I did, and I got some Canadian bacon. Canadians are so calm, they didn't scream at all when they saw me!""BACON!" everyone shouted in union."Uh. Better run!" Jacob glanced around before running out the window."He could have used the door!" Emmet smacked his forehead. "NNNNOOOOOOOOOO!" Edward shouted in disbelief "BELLA IS GONE!"

"You want the stick?" Bella said excitedly."YES!" Jacob replied happily, he was in his human form on all four legs."Go fetch the stick!" Bella threw the stick as far as she could which was 100 feet…in the air! The stick landed exactly one foot in front of Bella."This is why I chose Edward, I don't have to play catch and all he does is drink juice!" Bella grumbled."Bella! I found you! Oh how long I have worried!" Edward jumped out of his golf cart, ran to Bella, and glomped her."UGH! GET OFF! IT'S ONLY BEEN FIVE MINUTES!" Bella screamed and punched Edward in the face."Why Bella? Why did you go?" Edward whimpered as he got up to rub his face."This is better than Jersey Shore" Jacob said aloud, but was ignored by the arguing duo. They argued for three hours straight.

"Can you get me a glass of milk?" Bella shouted to Edward who was scanning the fridge for juice."Well, I can't get you malk but I can get you some milk," Edward replied coolly."That's what she just said!" Jacob replied."Yeah, just get me some malk," Bella said. "Are you hearing this?" Edward said annoyingly. "Yeah, the lady wants a glass of mulk!" Jacob said aloud."Jacob, inside voices please" Billy called from the couch."Sorry dad… my vampire friends."EDWARD! GET ME A GLASS OF MALK!" Bella screamed."Why are you yelling at me?" Edward asked. "Just give her the freaking mulk!" Jacob shouted."You aren't even saying the same thing!" Edward screamed."We're all saying malk Edward!" Bella replied."No! You are saying malk, he-" Edward was interrupted by Jacob and Bella screaming out malk and mulk. "SHUT UP! SHUT UP!" Edward shouted as he pulled out a gun and pointed it at his head. Suddenly, Bella and Jacob pulled out guns and pointed them at Edward while saying "DON'T DO IT! DON'T SHOOT!""You guys are going to shoot me if I shoot myself? That doesn't make any SENSE!" Edward screamed. Bella and Jacob looked at each other for a moment before turning the guns towards they're heads."Don't do it! NO!" the two screamed at Edward repeatedly."I AM GOING TO KILL MYSELF OVER THIS!" Edward screamed before pulling the trigger at the same time Bella and Jacob did."Whoops, I forgot I was immortal. I guess I really am a member of the Faillens clan!" Edward said as he saw Jacob and Bella die."Oh well, time for a juice~!" Edward sang as he skipped off.

**And that concludes my extremely random story.**

**Edward: -gets unpaused from glomp and falls flat on face-**

**Bella: HAHAHA!**

**Jacob: LOL!**

**Me: aren't you supposed to be dead?**

**Bella and Jacob: -picks up guns and shoots selves-**

**Edward: NOOOO! WHY?**

**Me: Cause I felt like it :D**


End file.
